So today I woke up early, put my make up on, took a deep breath and faced the day. I didn't want to face the day however, I would have much rather stayed in my pyjamas with my hair looking like I'd been caught in a hurricane and ate chocolate and watched movies. But off to work I went and, as it's the Easter holidays and all the kids are home, it was actually quite nice to get some peace and quiet! this was short lived though as the mundanity of my job kicked in and I looked forward going home to 'relax'.
Hah mistake!
Upon arriving home I was greeted with grunts by two of my darling children who barely looked away from the TV. Curtains closed, plates strewn here and there and the distinctive smell of feet. So I decided we were going out so I could buy some plants (and quite honestly to prolong the time before I had to tidy up) for the garden because I obviously dont have enough to bloody do so I have to create more jobs for myself! But in my mind I have his Mary Poppins image of who I'd like to be, you know that 'fun' 'perfect' mum that only exists in posts on Facebook! I had visions of me planting up the garden while my children helped and made daisy chains and shit.
So I bought my plants, and seemed to spend a small fortune every time I got to a checkout because suddenly sweets and chocolate and random bottles of pop appeared on the conveyor belt with 3 small angelic looking faces beaming at me! They obviously know I'm a soft touch (especially on pay day!)
Did I go home and create a beautiful display of geraniums that wouldnt look out of place at the Chelsea Flower Show? Did I bollocks, they are still in their sad little pots on the lawn, the shopping is still in the bags on the sofa and the kids have returned to their habitual television watching. I had planned to be Mary Poppins honestly I had, and best intentions were....intended, but instead this is what actually happened.
My lovely middle child had said he would tidy up the hallway and landing in return for an extra £1 at the shops, so he dutifully started putting away the random hats and coats and bags (and tennis rackets and footballs and roller skates and the million other things that were piling up at the bottom of the stairs) then we smelt 'the smell' that is unmistakeably poop! My nose led me into the hall and my eyes focussed (although my brain desperately tried to stop them) on trodden-into-the-carpet crap leading through the hall, up the stairs and onto the landing.
Yep! Shit quite litterally got real! I didn't scream at him, no no, I still had Mary in my head singing spoonful of fucking sugar, I instead told my lovely but dim child who hadn't even noticed his poop caked trainers to put his shoes outside with the wilting flowers and leave me to clean it up. Cue a lot of scrubbing and under the breath swearing.
The under my breath swearing got slightly louder and pronounced when I'd finished cleaning up the little brown piles of joy and found everyone else chilling out eating Pringles amoungst the bags of shopping, so for the safety of my family I shut myself in my bedroom, liberally sprayed air freshener so I could forget the horror of just been through and counted to ten.....um, make that 100 whilst listening to the little hum of rage inside my brain.
So the end of the day, the hallway is still a complete mess, the kids are still in front of the TV, the house smells, only vaguely now, of detto and febreezel, the garden is still a mess, the house still a wreckage, and Mary Poppins can fuck right off unless she brings reinforcements ...and wine!
Is this what I imagined when I became a parent? Nope! But I will console myself with the thought that not every day is like this, sometimes I can go a whole day without scrubbing something out of the carpet or losing the plot! And tomorrow I can stay in my pyjamas all day :-)
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Sunday, 13 July 2014
Magic eraser
Oh my sweet lord I have found a miracle product! 
This little unassuming sponge has had me gleefully wandering round the house and getting rid of stains and marks that I had considered to be permanent!
Just wet this wondrous product and wipe it over those crayon marks you thought you would have to paint over, the shoe scuffs on skirting boards, the burnt on food on the stove top and *bing* the dirt is no more!
They are reusable but won't last forever so I have stocked up on them, if you are concerned about using chemicals to clean your home get one of these because all you use is this damp wonder sponge, no chemicals needed!
BATTLE STATIONS!
We have all been there, we are on the sofa in our pyjamas slobbing out and watching tv when you get the phone call.....the dreaded phone call that says people are dropping over in about 10 minutes.
Biting back the urge to pretend that you have the plague and are in quarantine you say 'of course it'll be lovely to see you'.
As you put down the phone time starts to go in slow motion as you look around the room. There are dirty clothes strewn over the sofas, a myriad of toys and plates and sweet wrappers/general rubbish covering the floor. And you don't even want to think about the kitchen.
So here's what I do....first things first grab some laundry baskets, the saviour of speed cleaning! Pick up all the dirty washing and shove it in the washing machine, this will give the illusion that you have been doing laundry instead of comatose on the sofa covered in biscuit crumbs! With the now empty washing basket grab all the toys, books games and detritus and shove them in and put the basket in your bedroom and close the door, you can deal with this later.
Next thing to grab is a plastic bag for all the rubbish, don't be too fussy there isn't time, if its shoved down the side of the sofa out of sight then leave it until later just do the parts where the eye naturally wanders to.
I don't have a dishwasher and need to do all my dishes by hand so I fill up the sink with hot soapy water and cram as many plates and cups in as I can, this will tell your guests that you are in the middle of a domestic process! Quickly wipe the sides down and if you have time then sweep the floor, this way your kitchen will smell better and look hygienic!
Next task is the hallway, my hallway is constantly scattered with shoes, school bags and books, bike helmets etc and knowing this I have permanently implemented a storage system where I can shove the mess away in under a minute, under the stairs I have a big ottoman for all the shoes, hooks for the bags and a few storage boxes where I can cram the rest of the things like school books, hairbrushes etc. I recommend you do the same, storage boxes give the eye a uncluttered look and the illusion that you're more organised that you actually are!
Bathroom.....quickly pick up all the clothes and towels that are undoubtably on the floor instead of in the wash bin, squirt some cleaner round the sink and bath and leave it while you wipe over the toilet and put toilet cleaner round the bowl. Now wipe off the sink and bath and put a clean towel on the rail. If you have time straighten up the bottles of shower gel etc.
Now just to fluff up the scatter cushions in the living room and run the Hoover around if time permits. I always keep disposable polishing wipes in with my cleaning supplies for such occasions, so you an just wipe down the living room surfaces quickly and easily instead of getting out the polish and cloths.
By now you should have a house that looked 'lived in' rather than a candidate for hazmat suits!
Now brush your hair, get dressed and, the most important thing, no matter how tidy it looks apologise for the mess! This makes people think that this is your messy so your clean must be spectacular!
Biting back the urge to pretend that you have the plague and are in quarantine you say 'of course it'll be lovely to see you'.
As you put down the phone time starts to go in slow motion as you look around the room. There are dirty clothes strewn over the sofas, a myriad of toys and plates and sweet wrappers/general rubbish covering the floor. And you don't even want to think about the kitchen.
So here's what I do....first things first grab some laundry baskets, the saviour of speed cleaning! Pick up all the dirty washing and shove it in the washing machine, this will give the illusion that you have been doing laundry instead of comatose on the sofa covered in biscuit crumbs! With the now empty washing basket grab all the toys, books games and detritus and shove them in and put the basket in your bedroom and close the door, you can deal with this later.
Next thing to grab is a plastic bag for all the rubbish, don't be too fussy there isn't time, if its shoved down the side of the sofa out of sight then leave it until later just do the parts where the eye naturally wanders to.
I don't have a dishwasher and need to do all my dishes by hand so I fill up the sink with hot soapy water and cram as many plates and cups in as I can, this will tell your guests that you are in the middle of a domestic process! Quickly wipe the sides down and if you have time then sweep the floor, this way your kitchen will smell better and look hygienic!
Next task is the hallway, my hallway is constantly scattered with shoes, school bags and books, bike helmets etc and knowing this I have permanently implemented a storage system where I can shove the mess away in under a minute, under the stairs I have a big ottoman for all the shoes, hooks for the bags and a few storage boxes where I can cram the rest of the things like school books, hairbrushes etc. I recommend you do the same, storage boxes give the eye a uncluttered look and the illusion that you're more organised that you actually are!
Bathroom.....quickly pick up all the clothes and towels that are undoubtably on the floor instead of in the wash bin, squirt some cleaner round the sink and bath and leave it while you wipe over the toilet and put toilet cleaner round the bowl. Now wipe off the sink and bath and put a clean towel on the rail. If you have time straighten up the bottles of shower gel etc.
Now just to fluff up the scatter cushions in the living room and run the Hoover around if time permits. I always keep disposable polishing wipes in with my cleaning supplies for such occasions, so you an just wipe down the living room surfaces quickly and easily instead of getting out the polish and cloths.
By now you should have a house that looked 'lived in' rather than a candidate for hazmat suits!
Now brush your hair, get dressed and, the most important thing, no matter how tidy it looks apologise for the mess! This makes people think that this is your messy so your clean must be spectacular!
Praying to the porcelain god
Once upon a time, me on my knees in front to the toilet would be because I was hungover, now it's because I have 3 of the male species in my house and none of them have perfect aim!
Cleaning the toilet is the bane of my life and by far the most hated job in the house, I have even been known to tell my kids off for using it as soon as I close the door after cleaning the foul beast.
Now I have tried numerous air fresheners to mask the smell, but they all smell sickly and besides my hubby has a hatred of all household fresheners.....I have tried putting on a mask and entering the bathroom duel wielding bleach sprays and plastering the toilet area like a machine gun maniac, but the only thing I have found that actually works is to take off the toilet seat!
Once it's off put the whole seat in a bucket of hot water and disinfectant. As much as it would make my life easier I know that I can't actually leave the seat off permanently, so here is what I do.
Get some bicarbonate of soda and mix it into a paste with a few squirts of lemon juice. Spread it all around the holes of the basin and around the grouting on the floor next to the toilet. Leave this on for about 10 minutes then add a few drops of vinegar and leave for a further 5 mins. After this wipe it all off and rinse with clean water and VOILA ....like magic the toilet will be fresh as a daisy!
I don't do this every day but once every 2 weeks and you will never have a stinky toilet again!
Cleaning the toilet is the bane of my life and by far the most hated job in the house, I have even been known to tell my kids off for using it as soon as I close the door after cleaning the foul beast.
Now I have tried numerous air fresheners to mask the smell, but they all smell sickly and besides my hubby has a hatred of all household fresheners.....I have tried putting on a mask and entering the bathroom duel wielding bleach sprays and plastering the toilet area like a machine gun maniac, but the only thing I have found that actually works is to take off the toilet seat!
Once it's off put the whole seat in a bucket of hot water and disinfectant. As much as it would make my life easier I know that I can't actually leave the seat off permanently, so here is what I do.
Get some bicarbonate of soda and mix it into a paste with a few squirts of lemon juice. Spread it all around the holes of the basin and around the grouting on the floor next to the toilet. Leave this on for about 10 minutes then add a few drops of vinegar and leave for a further 5 mins. After this wipe it all off and rinse with clean water and VOILA ....like magic the toilet will be fresh as a daisy!
I don't do this every day but once every 2 weeks and you will never have a stinky toilet again!
2 types of people
In my time as a mother I have come across two types of family. One type are the type that takes their shoes off at the door, their socks always match, irons their bed sheets and has their whole life organised and scheduled and dinner is always on the table at 5.30pm exactly.
Then there is my type, shoes are taken off in random places, the bed sheets are wrinkled and unmade and I always have the morning rush of trying to find homework books, the randomly placed shoes and trying to remember if its recorder practise or sports today at school. As for dinner, it gets cooked and eaten every day but there's no telling what time it will be!
I always envy the first type and try so hard to emulate it but it only lasts about 2 days before I revert to my natural state of chaos. I have tried my best to pretend to be the type A family but in the end it's fighting against what comes natural to me, I'm an unorganised messy muddler living one day to the next in my crazy home!
I have 3 children, 2 cats a dog and a husband, a part time job and a life of playing catch up on all the things I was supposed to do yesterday (or even last week!) but it works for us in a random kind of way. I do tend to be spontaneous and creative and ignore the dust on the lampshades and behind the tv.
So welcome to my little blog of disorder fun and tales of the unexpected!
Then there is my type, shoes are taken off in random places, the bed sheets are wrinkled and unmade and I always have the morning rush of trying to find homework books, the randomly placed shoes and trying to remember if its recorder practise or sports today at school. As for dinner, it gets cooked and eaten every day but there's no telling what time it will be!
I always envy the first type and try so hard to emulate it but it only lasts about 2 days before I revert to my natural state of chaos. I have tried my best to pretend to be the type A family but in the end it's fighting against what comes natural to me, I'm an unorganised messy muddler living one day to the next in my crazy home!
I have 3 children, 2 cats a dog and a husband, a part time job and a life of playing catch up on all the things I was supposed to do yesterday (or even last week!) but it works for us in a random kind of way. I do tend to be spontaneous and creative and ignore the dust on the lampshades and behind the tv.
So welcome to my little blog of disorder fun and tales of the unexpected!
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